Alien vs. Predator
reviewed by Ryan Ellis
August 17, 2004
My Tagline---Careful...it's rated PG-13 for "slime"
According to scuttlebutt, this crossover project has been in the works
since
the dawn of time. I guess it took that long just to get the script up to
the
level of cruddy absurdity. In any cae, the alien is finally making things
slimy & gooey for the invisible hunters. If you've been following the
"AvP"
storyline in comics and video games, this movie might be a thing of
salivation-inducing proportions. What about those of us who enjoyed only 3
of the previous 6 'Alien' and 'Predator' movies and weren't jonesin' for a
1
on 1? Is there any reason for a non-fan to ante up bucks for 'Alien vs.
Predator'? No bloody way, Jose.
This flick takes place in the modern-day Antarctic wilderness (all the
better to isolate the characters and remind us of John Carpenter's
creepfest, 'The Thing'). Actors who will work for scale have travelled to
find an ancient pyramid buried under the ice. Little do they know that
Ripley's futuristic nemesis is down there, dying to lay some eggs and
attach
some face-huggers on as many human hosts as possible. Also, the predators
have returned from a century-long outer space vacation to play a
shades-of-gray role in this fiasco. The human adventurers are caught in
the
middle of an extraterrestrial battle...which might look and sound like
fun,
but the whole project makes as much sense as Mush Mouth from "Fat Albert".
I dumbed the story down a bit there, but that's deliberate. It would help
you to shut your brain down if you go see this movie. I could barely
follow
the story anyway, partly because I was busy aging a few years while
waiting
for either the aliens or the predators to show up. For some reason,
writer/director Paul W.S. Anderson ('Resident Evil') thinks it's a good
idea
to go 30 minutes before bringing the headliners into the mix. That means
we've got way too much time to spend with minimum-wage actors you've never
heard of before (except for Sanaa Lathan and Lance Henriksen, who get the
most screen time). Since a dozen producers and lots of special F/X had to
be
paid for, there must not have been enough money left to sign bigger names.
It's not really the actors' fault, though. Brando, Newman, and Streep
couldn't do anything with this idiocy either.
Henriksen---who should form a singing group with Kris Kristofferson and
Sam
Elliot called "The Rasps"---is Charles Bishop Weyland. You might remember
Bishop was the heroic android in 'Aliens'. Weyland is co-owner of the
company that wanted to use the alien as a military weapon in the original
series. [But isn't the 'Alien' story set in the the distant future while
the
predator is a bad guy in our modern times? Head hurts...]. Anderson blows
this juicy opportunity to let us into Henriksen's head. Casual fans won't
even recognize the Weyland name anyway. This non-issue is one of the
biggest
disappointments in the entire movie. When I heard ol' Bishop was in the
cast, I expected some back-story detail about Weyland's role in this
entire
alien invasion. Instead, he's a rich guy hiking in the snow to be just
another target in the alien/predator grudge match. What a waste.
Anderson knows nothing about pacing. You have to wait a while for things
to
happen in Ridley Scott's 'Alien' too, of course, but the characters are
interesting and you don't really know where the story is going in the
first
place. There are no secrets worth waiting for in 'AvP', so the opening
sequences with nary a baddie in sight are just going to put you to sleep.
Forty-five minutes of dull-ass boredom doesn't offset about 45 minutes of
moderately entertaining action. Anderson's script takes the highlights of
the previous films and brings nothing new to this combo of 2 classic
creatures. As in 2003's horror crossover, 'Freddy vs. Jason', the
climactic
battle IS nifty. If 'FvJ' was a dead teenager movie with too much teenager
and not enough dead, 'AvP' is the same thing...with adults.
The title characters themselves haven't changed much since their debuts in
1979 and 1987, respectively. The alien was made for the computer F/X age.
We
get plenty of chances to see the warrior aliens (and, eventually, the
enormous queen) skitter around in full view. However, brief glimpses of
the
shark in 'Jaws', Freddy Krueger, and the alien were always far more
terrifying than the extended look you got in the sequels. Your imagination
can fill in the scary blanks that no filmmaker can...certainly not the
below-average director at the helm of this sinking ship. At least Anderson
can't be accused of racism or sexism. His movie is very politically
correct.
The white guys are quickly killed while the black chick gets to try on the
hero hat.
The first two 'Alien' movies were better than the only two 'Predator'
movies, but I always thought the predator was a cooler beast. He (well,
there's more than one of him...and maybe none of them are even a "him") is
the most sympathetic character in the picture. I doubt that you'll have
much
sympathy for the people, though. Most audiences will wind up rooting for
BOTH bad guys, not for the human bait. While I can understand why mankind
would side with the dreadlocked preds over the slimy duct-lovers, the
predator's tweener role is too convenient.
Have I explained the plot sufficiently here? Probably not, but cut me some
slack. I was distracted by thoughts such as, "When will Darth Vader, John
McClane, Wolverine, and other 20th Century Fox icons show up?" Oh, cripes,
I
just gave movie executives an idea. [NOTE: Movie execs + idea = never.]
'AvP's big box office take on opening weekend ensures they're already
planning 'AvP2', no matter what any wise-ass critic has to say. Hollywood
doesn't seem to care that they're ruining what we loved about the original
thrillers with these "versus" movies. One good perversion deserves
another.
To shout this way, write to flickershows@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
down my website at http://groups.msn.com/TheMovieFiend
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