AVP: Alien vs. Predator.
The Top 12 Ways to Make A Masterpiece into an Assterpiece
1. PG-13 - Since the original Alien film came out in 1979, and Predator
came out in 1987, it's hard to understand why the people marketing this
film
felt that anyone under the age of thirteen would know what the hell an
Alien
or a Predator was all about. Moreover, you're dimming down a pair of
characters who were each badass enough to star in their own R-Rated films,
either for the sake of selling more toys, or giving the kids nightmares
and
the adults a reason to leave.
2. Paul W.S. Anderson - This movie was great in post production! Honest!
Paul W.S. Anderson should be known as the king of half-assed attempts.
Mortal Kombat, Soldier and Resident Evil are terrible movies that showed
bits of potential but ultimately sucked the life out of me. Event Horizon
had its moments, and definitely worked at times, but it stumbled a little
before the finish line. With AVP there is all sorts of potential floating
around the movie; however poor directorial choices made this one a bore,
especially during scenes where Anderson 'copped out' and took the safer
route. The Aliens and Predators don't really start bashing with one
another
until after thirty five or forty minutes of set up. In fact, its almost
aggravating that so many minutes were wasted on building up these clichéd
characters who are soon thereafter turned to creature chum. And I applaud
some of the CG - but there are times where a painted matte is a little bit
more convincing, and makes your film look a lot less "animated".
3. When Parody doesn't flatter - this could be called #2b, there are so
many times throughout this movie where parodies of the other Alien films
can
be spotted. Lack of focus made them sloppy parodies at best, ultimately
unsatisfying and discouraging. In fact, it's hard to believe after seeing
AVP that Anderson didn't take the easier route and simply rip-off key
scenes
from the Alien and Predator series'. After all, he rips things right out
of
everything from The Matrix - with bullet time face huggers, to Jurassic
Park - during the climactic final battle with the massive Queen Alien.
4. Two Franchises, One Stone - If you're not getting the idea of how I
feel about this movie yet, then I should warn you - it's not good news
from
here on in.
5. The Turd Perspective - In another form of phrasing, "you can't see
sh*t that's going on". Anderson's DP decided that rather than have to put
good use to a wide angled lens, he'd just shoot everything very close up.
Action scenes are butchered by quick blasts of Predator armor and Aliens
Tails. The film is no longer an attempt, rather the aftermath of a feral
cat
thrown into a bestiality orgy.
6. Attack of the Clones - Audiences seem to continually bitch about the
lack of originality in Hollywood, and Hollywood answers with clichéd
stereotypical characters like these. Worse still is that the entire first
half hour is dedicated to setting these bowling pins up to be struck right
down. Its hard to sympathize with these humans when the audience is not
given much more than bland and brief introductions to this crew of
forty-something people. As most members of the crew are eradicated almost
instantaneously in a heinous and gore-free frenzy of heavily edited shots
its hard to wonder why they even bothered.
7. Bringing back Bishop - Brining back Lance Henriksen may have seemed
like a good idea, even if he wasn't the cyborg that we've come to know
throughout the Alien series. Charles Bishop Weyland is a adventurous
tycoon - setting up the ill-fated expedition that is AVP, and trying to
earn
some respect in the waning hours of his disease encrusted lifetime. The
nostalgia is moderately endearing, but the character is nothing more than
a
wallet with legs to the expedition and evokes no sympathy within the
audience. He does get some of the better lines of dialogue in the film,
but
that's not saying much.
8. The Arena in the Middle of Nowhere - "We can't let those serpents get
to the surface," says one of the survivors to another. Although since this
expedition is in the middle of Antarctica, it's hard to imagine what
damage
the Aliens could do from the southernmost regions of our happy little
planet. Perhaps Penguins are the key to keeping global warming under
control - and maintaining their safety is the primary objective. What's
even
more interesting is that this intergalactic battle arena is 2000 feet
underground, where Global Positioning Satellites and other similar gadgets
seem to have no trouble operating with these humans who need them.
9. Unlikely Alliances - Forging friendships is commonplace in a survival
situation. But forming an alliance with the bad guy changes the enemy's
persona through the eyes of the audience. Since that scene in Predator 2
where Danny Glover's character stumbled upon the trophy room aboard the
Predator vessel, revealing the skull of an Alien, there has been a fan boy
swell of gossip and speculation that these two iconic beasts would one day
square off on the silver screen. That anticipated battle is here, maybe
too
many years after the fact - and the powers in charge have decided to go
with
an ultimately toned down of not one, but two iconoclast type characters.
Dimming them down for the PG-13 mentality of the 21st century means
something has to go, and the Predator is no longer the human hunting beast
of the 1980 blockbuster - this kid has heart.
10. Push X,X,B,A then B. Stupid! - if there's one thing to be said about
Paul W.S. Anderson, its that his video game influences are heavily
apparent
in AVP. This thing plays out like a videogame, from the arena style battle
to the bland and sometimes forgetful background characters to the
different
point of view perspectives.
11. AVP - Does the title not say it all? This is an abbreviated title
for
an abbreviated film. At least Gary in marketing should be able to come up
with something snappy to sell this three lettered whore.
12. Not enough Aliens versus Predators - When everything is said and
done, the movie really succeeded when it just featured mindless scenes
involving Predators and Aliens throwing one another against the walls of
the
underground temple. There was no need for the script that involved a
plethora of forgettable human characters (though maybe some more
choreography and a better cinematographer). I found the best scenes, the
ones that audiences really pined for, were those that served as nothing
more
than mindless fun and didn't require a stretch of beliefs. Unfortunately
Paul W.S. Anderson has written and directed a film so inebriated from
popular culture that it hurts the head to fathom it came to fruition this
way. This thing had potential to be so much more, but rather than strive
to
make something unique and different - much like the individual films in
both
these series strived to do - this is the same old recycled blockbuster.
You
don't win friends by rehashing characters from our memories and
bastardizing
their meanings and traits. AVP is by no means a great movie, nor is it a
good movie in many ways. Anderson is just too all over the place, and I
propose that his genre films are limited to things that people don't have
an
attachment to. It'll leave less of that salty, pre-emptive barf taste in
mouths everywhere.
Score: 2.5 out of 10.0
Review originally appears on DVDork.com
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X-RT-RatingText: 2.5/10
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