"Anim8rFSK" <ANIM8Rfsk@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> wrote in message
news:ANIM8Rfsk-DE0D3D.14181822032008@[EMAIL PROTECTED]
> Earth VS the Giant Space Rice Krispies!
>
> Disclaimer: They didn't actually call it NASA. It was the ASA or
> something. But we know who they meant!!
>
> EARTHSTORM is an Armageddon 'homage' starring one of the lesser
> Baldwins. Not Billy I don't think. That doesn't narrow it down one darn
> bit, does it?
>
> Giant uncharted asteroid hits the far side of the moon. Apparently just
> hours later debris starts whacking into us (you'd think it would be
> headed AWAY from us. I'd also think it would take a while to get here.
> I'd also think that if it did get here like a Domino's Pizza, in 30
> minutes or less, the story would end right there. But go figure). NASA
> covers up the fact that meteors are hitting us and wiping out cities and
> that there's a crack in the moon and a huge halo of Giant Space Rice
> Krispie debris you can see from Earth but many people figure it out by
> hearing rumors.
>
> Demolition guy Baldwin as Bruce Willis is blowing up a building. As
> they're about to push the button, everybody wearing heavy clothes and
> helmets and flack jackets except the extremely hot female assistant
> who's in shorts, suddenly the 9th floor blows up. This causes the entire
> system of explosives to become 'unbalanced' and wackiness ensues. Since
> they can't stop the countdown, Bruce Baldwin runs up to the 9th floor
> (with a pack of DYNAMITE!), finds pillar 8A which is what blew up (and
> is totally unscathed), sticks a new pack of explosives on it (completely
> fixing the problem, except the problem is in no way fixed), finds the
> homeless guy who set off the explosives (and who is also completely
> unscathed) and races out of the building with seconds to spare. They
> head off to their next job in Baltimore, which is almost immediately hit
> by Giant Space Rice Krispie meteorite debris.
>
> Meanwhile some red headed scientist ****trayed by a woman who's acting
> training came from doing makeovers in the local mall, and who is
> expending all of her 'talent' trying to hide her accent, realizes her
> father predicted this exactly, but was driven out of the business and to
> his death by evil government scientist Dirk Benedict. NASA calls her in
> because nobody will listen to her.
>
> I'm not really sure what happened to the moon. At various points in the
> story it's ****fted it's orbit, the crap is coming from the asteroid, the
> crap is coming from the moon, there's a rift a 100 times the size of the
> grand canyon in the moon and the crap is spewing out of THAT, and
> anything that leaves the far size of the moon for whatever reason whacks
> us about a half an hour later.
>
> Part of this is explained when cute shorts demo girl finds a hunk of the
> moon (after dodging into a canvas tent to avoid a major Giant Space Rice
> Krispie meteorite impact about 50 feet away) just laying there in
> Baltimore, a big hunk clearly made out of foam that nobody handles like
> it weighs more than an empty coffee cup, and it turns out we were wrong
> about what the moon was made of all along -- it's hitting us so hard
> because it's composed of uranium. In the form of Giant Space Rice
> Krispies.
>
> NASA decides the only way to stop the moon from bombarding us (at this
> point Mexico City is suddenly destroyed, but nobody mentions it again)
> is to fly up to the moon and set off nukes and seal the fissure. Of
> course, Baldwin must go with them, for only he can push the button.
>
> Red decides that since the moon is all magnetic and everything, we
> should use a special magnetic bomb that no one has ever built instead.
> Of course, Baldwin must go with them, for only he can push the button.
> Of a bomb he's never heard of the theory behind or seen, as it doesn't
> exist.
>
> Starbuck vetoes the plan. Through the entire movie he walks in whenever
> they're planning something; nobody at NASA *ever* closes a door.
>
> They take off in a space shuttle, which despite the nukes being the size
> of a couple of suitcases, only holds 3 people; cute female pilot, random
> astronaut, Bruce Baldwin. Random astronaut is immediately knocked out
> for the duration of the flight. Shuttle has gravity, and a continuous
> floor between the flight deck and the cargo bay, almost as though it was
> a left over set from a high school stage play.
>
> Shuttle lifts off, jettisons its SRBs and liquid fuel tanks together,
> and, with main engines still roaring, flies to the moon, dodging and
> weaving incoming Giant Space Rice Krispie rocks, accelerating the whole
> way. Granted, they have auxiliary strap on nuclear engines that no one
> had ever built or tried before as well.
>
> They get to the moon, fly down to the surface (while this shuttle has
> internal gravity, external gravity doesn't affect it at all) and sort of
> hover.
>
> Cute shorts demo chick shows up at NASA with the very light rock.
> Analysis indicates it's uranium, which means Starbuck was wrong, and
> they should have sent the magnetic bomb instead of the nukes. The Earth
> is doomed.
>
> NASA brainstorms and figures out how to take unused parts from the
> shuttle's communication systems to turn the nukes into a magbomb. Bruce
> Baldwin does this while cute pilot hovers.
>
> Starbuck realizes red haired scientist did all the math wrong, and they
> need 100 times more bomb. The Earth is doomed.
>
> Starbuck saves the day by realizing they happen to have auxiliary nuke
> engines strapped to the outside of the shuttle, that Bruce Baldwin can
> get to, somehow.
>
> Baldwin realizes the new charge needs to be set off in a new location.
> The new location? THE CENTER OF THE MOON! Yes, they need to fly the
> shuttle to . . . THE CORE!!!!!
>
> Luckily, the fissure goes all the way to the center of the moon. They
> fly down, dump the bomb, eject their engines, and, main engines still
> blasting away, race for the surface as the mag bomb goes off, the
> fissure sucks itself shut, the moon "heals itself" and returns to it's
> proper orbit, and all the incoming Giant Space Rice Krispie stuff that
> was about to destroy the Earth is just . . forgotten about. Cute pilot,
> engines STILL GOING FULL THROTTLE, despite the fact that she left the
> fuel tank back on Earth and the strap on engines in the moon, races back
> as unhurt extra astronaut comes to. BTW, all this apparently happened in
> about half an hour, as cute shorts girl hasn't even gone to the ladies'
> room to wipe the soot off her pert little nose yet.
>
> Back on Earth, everybody loves everybody, Starbuck is forgiven, Red's
> dad is vindicated, Red goes back to work for NASA, Red and Bruce Baldwin
> pair off, Red's assistant who didn't have enough of a part to matter and
> was in love with her scores with cute shorts girl, mostly 'cause there
> wasn't anybody else with enough lines to pair her with except Starbuck
> who stoically rode back to Wa****ngton, and the weather is all fine, and
> nobody cares that Mexico City is gone.
>
> The End.
DAMN yer EYES, Man!! A header bereft of "spoiler" tag has now ruined
this gem for me..........and possibly 9 other viewers....
Joe
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